What Matters Most: Captain’s Log

Credit: BodhiBe

Love this image, and love that when I think about it, asking, if I knew I only had weeks or months to live – what would I do, and what would I do differently? Come to find out, there isn’t much. A few things, yes, and I’ll work on those – I’d spend more quiet time in blue and green and golden places, for example – but I realize, I don’t have much of a bucket list anymore, because I’ve already done most of the things on the one I started with. I’ve had an amazing life. I’ve traveled the world, learned so much from countless gorgeous cultures, had everything I thought I knew stretched and sometimes shattered by what I’ve learned, built and rebuilt, planted and reaped, climbed mountains and plumbed valleys, seen so many breathtakingly beautiful things and places and people, been loved and have loved, had adventures and fun and darkness and light.

Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, I’ve made friends with my dragons and come out breathing on the other side (if a little charred and smelling smoky). Life has shifted drastically in many ways as pages have turned and chapters come and gone. Sure, I still have huge room to grow, but in general, I’m at peace with the life I’ve lived, the things I’ve done, and the ways I’ve learned to be true to myself, so I *can be true to others. Begin with the end in mind: And so it is.

But since I still seem to be kicking, perhaps it’s time to update and expand that list. There may be time for another good inner or outer adventure or two, as I bring my life fully into a state of integrated, conscious wholeness.

I remember the words of prediction that came via a friend, twenty long years ago, and the little silver heart that came with it: “A life of great love, given and received.” Yup – been there. Done that. Still doing it, in some ways more than ever – most definitely more consciously. And I realize, that’s the one big thing, if I had limited time, that I would do: I would choose love in and at more times, more places, and with much more intent – with every possible second of my day – realizing that is the only true way we leave an eternal mark on the world. I think of the movie Interstellar, how it pointed out that love is the one thing that lasts, across all time and space, no matter what happens around us.

So, recognizing that we never really know how much time we have left (hey, right now I’m sitting cozy in my chair at home, listening to the rain outside and preparing to start my day – but don’t most deaths occur in the home?), yes, that’s what I’ll do. I will find more places to love today. Not just the pretty places. Not just the easy places. Not just the brightness, not just the light. Not just my friends, not just my family. In the recent words of a friend: Fill me with love, that I may share it with the world. And in the words of Gran – not that namby-pamby, spineless, weak-kneed kind of stuff we’ve been told is love. Strong love. Real love. Love that has teeth, does what needs to be done, says what needs to be said. Love for my neighbor, love for myself.

And you know what I just realized: That silver heart I remembered earlier? I don’t have it anymore. But that’s the best part – that means I used it well. I gave it away. And that’s what hearts are for. Love is not for keeps – love is not for strings – love is for giving – (yes, I see that neat little word trick in there – for-giv-ing :)) – and then giving some more. Just like any talent, any skill – it’s not to hang on to and hoard – it’s to use, use wisely, use up. To the best of our ability, which also means recognizing our limits. I think I’ve done that. At least I’ve tried.

And now, I will very consciously (and with great love – ahhh… coffee beans, you are my own true love) return to my cuppa. Good morning world. Welcome back to Life, day 15,232. Captain’s log…

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